i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
