Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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