Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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