hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
