you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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