I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
