life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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