I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
