Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
ttyl tear gas
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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