So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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