You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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