A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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