I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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