Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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