Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
