I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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