JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
