made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
