Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
