i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
