You can't motorboat a personality
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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