Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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