I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
