2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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