I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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