I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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