My underwear smells like fireworks.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
