It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
