The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
ugly people sure do ruin things
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
