I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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