You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
