Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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