singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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