i love accidental penises.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
