We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
