I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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