Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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