please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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