you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
