It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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