My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
