Just fell off a train. Bad.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone came in the potted fern
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize