I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
