if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
