U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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