Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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