My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
