My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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