i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
