I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
