I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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