I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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