I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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