i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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