My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sext me about skeletons
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
