I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Randomize
