Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
