It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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