I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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